My Mother is Shadow

 I've had these words in my journal for the last seven months but it wasn't until my friend Glynis decided to do the MEMORY WALK here in OKC Sat. 10/25 that I put them together in a coherent form. If you have someone with Alzheimer's and want to support her efforts the link is listed on my site. She is the Rambling Mind.

My Mother is a shadow.
She is still living but only makes infrequent visits to reality.
As I've helped to clean through her things in order to make daily living more simple, I realized there isn't much left behind.
She has no journals or diaries, no little notes to self or even doodles on the side of an envelope.
Her handwritten items are signed insurance papers or a long ago greeting card.
How strange that there will be no hand-made treasures left behind, no loved mementos or Velveteen Rabbits.
Just a stack of paperbacks- not even a permanent library of best loved books.
Who was she?
Even the backs of her photographs are lacking dates and places.
Her revealed memories become my only legacy and remembrance.
And I didn't know her at all.
I didn't know her shadow- it is elusive and forever lost to me.
She is a puzzle with most pieces missing.
I have chased her all my life, to win her love and approval, only to realize I've chased a vapor- a wisp of a life.
Now it is too late to fill the dark spots with the light of understanding.
She cannot remember those things she may have wanted to say to me.
The time for healing words and explanations is long past.
My Mother is a shadow.

Simple things- Larry the Chicken

Life is always full of firsts.

Youth tends to think of everything in life that way-but aging is a wonderful time of repurposing memories and re-enjoying the simple "firsts" of life. Here is Larry- my first painting of a chicken.

Simple Things - My Artist Prayer

As part of my study group the Creative Call we were asked to write out our Artist Prayer to call forth His inspiration and power as we create.

I put it on my canvas entitled "My Soul's Keep".

You spoke and it was created- beauty brought forth from Your thoughts
The paintbrush across Time.

I am formed in Your Image
Designed to create.
So You who began a good work within me
Bring my Creative Call to Your finish.

She knew enough to give herself Flowers

Onward with the Self-Portrait project.

Its been a long week filled with physical discomfort and lack of sleep. It got me to thinking about how hard life can be at times. I just yearned for a little comfort. I can get so busy "doing" life rather than being in the moment. So I thought of all the simple things and there is nothing as pleasurable as flowers.

Where Tears and Watercolors flow

Continuing with the Self- Portrait Project.

My Veil-A Mourning Song

This is week 3 of Self- Portraits.

I drew it last week but didn't choose to post till now.

A veil is a simple covering used in different parts of the world and by different religions but here it only means a place of hiding.

This week I am putting on the Veil.

I am only using my eyes- because I have to.

I have no breath to draw in the pain.

I have no mouth to speak words of shallow comfort to the dying.

I have no face to expose or expressions left to give the world.

I will hide behind this veil hoping death will go away.

I cannot bear to have another friend, another family lose this battle.

So beneath this dark covering I hope death's sting will not reach me,

But I know this shroud cannot not keep all that "will be" away.

Its pain will find me and I will feel grief rushing through my veins, churring my stomach, tearing at my heart,

For I know the road they will walk- the valley they must descend.

I know He will be with them.

And they will have peace beyond understanding.

They will have joy that can only be felt in utter despair.

They will trust Him because He will be too real for them not to.

And I will feel all this too and know that He will take their mourning clothes and exchange them for garments of praise.

They will have garlands and not ashes upon their heads.

And they will be ushered into a world that only a few really understand.

In Loving memory of LBF.