My Mother is Shadow

 I've had these words in my journal for the last seven months but it wasn't until my friend Glynis decided to do the MEMORY WALK here in OKC Sat. 10/25 that I put them together in a coherent form. If you have someone with Alzheimer's and want to support her efforts the link is listed on my site. She is the Rambling Mind.

My Mother is a shadow.
She is still living but only makes infrequent visits to reality.
As I've helped to clean through her things in order to make daily living more simple, I realized there isn't much left behind.
She has no journals or diaries, no little notes to self or even doodles on the side of an envelope.
Her handwritten items are signed insurance papers or a long ago greeting card.
How strange that there will be no hand-made treasures left behind, no loved mementos or Velveteen Rabbits.
Just a stack of paperbacks- not even a permanent library of best loved books.
Who was she?
Even the backs of her photographs are lacking dates and places.
Her revealed memories become my only legacy and remembrance.
And I didn't know her at all.
I didn't know her shadow- it is elusive and forever lost to me.
She is a puzzle with most pieces missing.
I have chased her all my life, to win her love and approval, only to realize I've chased a vapor- a wisp of a life.
Now it is too late to fill the dark spots with the light of understanding.
She cannot remember those things she may have wanted to say to me.
The time for healing words and explanations is long past.
My Mother is a shadow.

Simple things- Larry the Chicken

Life is always full of firsts.

Youth tends to think of everything in life that way-but aging is a wonderful time of repurposing memories and re-enjoying the simple "firsts" of life. Here is Larry- my first painting of a chicken.

Simple Things - My Artist Prayer

As part of my study group the Creative Call we were asked to write out our Artist Prayer to call forth His inspiration and power as we create.

I put it on my canvas entitled "My Soul's Keep".

You spoke and it was created- beauty brought forth from Your thoughts
The paintbrush across Time.

I am formed in Your Image
Designed to create.
So You who began a good work within me
Bring my Creative Call to Your finish.

She knew enough to give herself Flowers

Onward with the Self-Portrait project.

Its been a long week filled with physical discomfort and lack of sleep. It got me to thinking about how hard life can be at times. I just yearned for a little comfort. I can get so busy "doing" life rather than being in the moment. So I thought of all the simple things and there is nothing as pleasurable as flowers.

Where Tears and Watercolors flow

Continuing with the Self- Portrait Project.

My Veil-A Mourning Song

This is week 3 of Self- Portraits.

I drew it last week but didn't choose to post till now.

A veil is a simple covering used in different parts of the world and by different religions but here it only means a place of hiding.

This week I am putting on the Veil.

I am only using my eyes- because I have to.

I have no breath to draw in the pain.

I have no mouth to speak words of shallow comfort to the dying.

I have no face to expose or expressions left to give the world.

I will hide behind this veil hoping death will go away.

I cannot bear to have another friend, another family lose this battle.

So beneath this dark covering I hope death's sting will not reach me,

But I know this shroud cannot not keep all that "will be" away.

Its pain will find me and I will feel grief rushing through my veins, churring my stomach, tearing at my heart,

For I know the road they will walk- the valley they must descend.

I know He will be with them.

And they will have peace beyond understanding.

They will have joy that can only be felt in utter despair.

They will trust Him because He will be too real for them not to.

And I will feel all this too and know that He will take their mourning clothes and exchange them for garments of praise.

They will have garlands and not ashes upon their heads.

And they will be ushered into a world that only a few really understand.

In Loving memory of LBF.

Remembering 9/11 Mail Art project

For the 3rd year in a row Im sending my envelope art into the 9/11 project.

This design was done with paper scraps inside a vellum envelope.

This is my remembrance for this very sad day.

Simple Things- I am Chickasaw

In keeping with our weekly journal goal Im posting Week 2 of Portraits.

Im not trying for a technically perfect drawing ( couldn't do it anyway even if I wanted to).

I picked parts of me and went from there.

Its strange how we never really look at ourselves till we are trying to draw. I glance at myself daily in the mirror but don't really "see". In fact I forgot how old Im getting!

I took pictures of myself (kinda weird) so I could look at my face more closely.

I was surprised at how Native American my features were.

Im just beginning to explore my Chickasaw heritage and didn't intend for my drawing to go that way but such is the joy and nature of Art.

Simple Things- The Joy of Creating

Over the last year I've been teaching myself to draw or maybe just getting my brain to see differently and my hand to cooperate. I have such a hugh learning curve but its been exciting and most of the time people don't ask me " what is it" so I guess Im making progress.

This month my friend Sherry and I are working on "sketching ourselves" and using this idea for journal pages. I been trying to draw faces for a few months but they tend to look the same so at least when I draw myself I know the model pretty well. We are trying to do a page a week and will post on Fridays.

This is my cover page with my photo and a few images that have meaning to me.

" Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us and establish the work of our hands" Ps.90

Chekhov said " Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass"

Simple Things- Aging

I started this year with the idea that I would simplify my external and internal world. I think Im doing better than I ever have in controlling chaos and clutter. The busy last few months of caring for my Mother, Carolyns wedding, and Mikes too short of a visit followed by a 3 week mission trip to Kenya made me wonder if Im still making progress. Yet in all these events I found a beautiful simplicity- the simple focus of loving others. That is the only thing that brings order to the madness that so characterizes life in our country.

So as I give more time to my journaling I will continue this simplifying and awareness of Gods faithful love that is meant to be shared.

Simple Things- Spring

Well if it was up to the birds and me Spring would really be here and the way I like it- warm and sunny! Id also be planting the 20 + pots of flowers and herbs sitting on my deck. Instead Im watching the rain drip, drip, drip with no break in the clouds and the weatherman's promise of another weekend of rain. Yet without the rain all the above pleasures would not happen and Id feel like I was living in Afghanistan.

Simple Things- The Chair

I sketched a chair in my journal page today inspired by a quote from Thoreau -

"I had three chairs in my house

One for solitude

Two for friendship

Three for society "

Its the simplest things that can bring great thoughts.

Simple Things- The Blizzard

The soup is simmering and the fire is roaring but where is the "Blizzard of the Century"? I was hoping to wake up to a winter wonderland instead the grass was bright green and the trees were still covered in new leaves. Central Oklahoma never got the 1-6 inches of snow we were promised. By mid-day we had a steady fall of flakes but the warmth of the day melted most of it away. Still it was a simple thing to enjoy the contrast of color and white.

Just a few days into the "official" first day of Spring and it looks like the Blizzard of the Century is coming. It arrives tonight according to the meteorologists and the temperature is slowing dropping. Its misty with a fine drizzle falling. It seems perfect for a hot cup of Earl Grey.

Simple things - Spring

In keeping with my thoughts on Simple Things Im trying to enjoy each day and find one simple thing to give thanks to the Lord for. I see how quickly I miss the things all around. Spring is now officially here in the weather challenged state of Oklahoma and Im surprised how fast the blooming of the Bradford Pear and Red Bud are. I just looked up and the dead trees were white with flowers and today most have turned to green. Not wanting to miss The Red Bud show I grabbed my camera.

Live Simply that others might Simply live 2009

This has been my thoughtful meditation for a few months now and the theme of this year. Im trying to understand what my part is and explore how this can become a deeper place in my life.

Living simply before God

Living Simply with others

Living Simply to give refreshment to those who are needful

Learning to cultivate the Simple gifts of life.